god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
