Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
If I had your ass I would rule the world
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
