the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
