I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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