Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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