I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
