Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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