if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
