why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
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