i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
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I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
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He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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