so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
