maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
