I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
