ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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