somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
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She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
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only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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