So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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