you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
