I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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