But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
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Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
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Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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