I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
