barbara walters just said penis...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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