Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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