Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
