Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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