Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I touched a dick in church today
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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