Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
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