as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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