take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
