Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
