omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
