Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Shame is for Republicans.
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