i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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