More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
