Can i not drive my cunt home
Banned from zoo.
Again?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
