She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Verdict: uncircumcised.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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