i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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