Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
