Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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