I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
