It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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