my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
