I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
