Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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