I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
