Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"