Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
