I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
