Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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