There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
