A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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