he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
