You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
