Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize