Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
