im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
