i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?