On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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