I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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