I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
